Screwed

When I was a boy, there were certain things I was promised. I’m through waiting and I demand that they be handed over immediately.

• Real Robots – not toys or vacuum cleaners but robot maids that clean the house, robot doctors, and robot police. I’m tired of dealing with people everywhere I go. I demand human-like robots that can assume control over every aspect of our lives and eventually completely subjugate us. I welcome out new robot overlords.
• Flying Cars – I’m sick of driving on the road. I want my flying car. We’ve got GPS with a woman’s voice reprimanding you every time a turn is missed but, other than that, not all that much has changed in the automotive world.
• Meals in pill form – Where, I ask you, are the roast beef dinners complete with dessert in pill form? I’m tired of eating real food. Chewing and swallowing like some kind of caveman.
• Lasers Guns – It’s 2006 and we’re still shooting bullets at each other. Ridiculous! I should be able to bore a hole in the side of a farm the size of my fist with nothing more than a hot red blast of pure destruction.
• Hotels on the Moon – Why is flying more difficult now than it was in 1980? How are we ever going to get a hotel on the moon when we can’t even get through airport security with our shoes on? James Bond was going to the moon in 1979 and it takes me half a day to travel from Chicago to Philadelphia! Something is seriously wrong here.

We’ve been denied these items for far too long. I’ve waited patiently for the last 32 years and I’m done. Oh sure, we’ve got cellular phones, DVD players, the Internet, and Starbucks but, I’d trade them all for one ride in a flying car.

Steve's Tips for Better Living #5

When I was a boy and watches with calculators on them still seemed high-tech, communication came at a price. If you wanted to call someone, you had to get up and go stand in the kitchen, your conversation broadcast to everyone else in the house. Your only hope for privacy was a “really long cord”™ strung like a tripwire through the house, catching inattentive family members and often ripping the receiver from you hands. Occasionally, some unlucky soul was forced to attempt to untwist the “really long cord” ™ by standing on a chair and allowing the receiver to spin wildly until it had returned to normal. Eventually someone invented a nifty gizmo to rid our lives of the twisted phone cord. The telephone was a high-maintenance piece of equipment, and it took effort to communicate with someone who wasn’t physically present. One had to carefully consider if the information to be communicated was worth the effort involved. Often times, the appropriate course of action was to simply wait and share the information the next time you were physically together.

Today, we have phones that fit in out pocket (sans unsightly bulges), email, Blackberries, Instant Messenger, pagers, flickr, and a host of other effortless ways to communicate with one another. Communication requires no effort and as a result, has no cost. No one has to think before they communicate. Just stubbed your toe? Grab your cell phone and call Uncle Bob. Found a great new dancing hamster animation? Email the link to everyone you know. Got a tip? Put it on your blog. The point is, we no longer have to consider if something is actually worth communicating. Today’s tip for better living is “think before you communicate”. Just because communication has no cost, that doesn’t mean what’s being communicated should have no value.

Can You Hear Me Now?

A sound originally created to annoy teenagers hanging around in front of shops had been subverted. Because many adults cannot hear it, kids have started using it as their ringtone. I can hear it and it's certainly one of the most annoying sounds I've ever heard. Sue can't hear it. I guess she must have had her headphones too loud as a teenager.

Hear it (or not) here.

Read the full story here.

Interesting Link

http://thenote.digitalfringe.com

Go Fly a Kite

Recipe for a lazy Sunday: one kite, one five year old girl, two pairs of sunglasses, and a nice summer breeze. Lying in the grass and letting the wind do all the work. A long yellow tail cutting a path through the sky. Two smiles watching in amazement. How quickly we’ll forget mowing the lawn but how long we’ll remember flying a kite.

Steve's Tips for Better Living #4

No touching. You do not have to touch people to communicate with them. If you feel compelled to shake hands, alright, I can allow you that much. But, that hand shake should be the first and last physical contact you ever have with the majority of people you meet. No arm touching, shoulder rubbing, high fives, fist bumping, or hugging necessary.

Steve's Tips for Better Living #3

Shut up. The secret to appearing intelligent is simple: shut up and listen. Ask more questions than you answer. Nobody wants to hear about you, they want to talk about themselves. Once you realize that nobody cares about what you have to say, you stop talking so much and then you start listening. If you want to talk about yourself, then put it on your blog.

Fin

A journey ends and I couldn't be any more relieved. The final box is unpacked and sitting out on the curb to be recycled. Maybe I'll see it again someday as one of those little heat shields they put around my latte at Starbuck's. Until then, I won't miss it a bit.

Steve's Tips for Better Living #2

Children are little insane people. There is no other explanation for their behavior. Ignore the “experts” and just remember they are insane. They can’t help it. Next time you feel a yell coming on, remember that they are insane, and take pity. I’ll repeat it one more time, they are little insane people.

The First Rule of Preschool

Emma refuses to talk about what goes on at school during the day. I can only draw one conclusion from this: she’s actually participating in a secret Fight Club and is simply obeying the first rule of Fight Club. It seems perfectly reasonable, a room full of five year olds pummeling each other senseless for no particular reason. As soon as the last parent leaves, they head down to the boiler room and commence brawling. Although, I’ve seen what the classroom is like in the afternoon and maybe I’m overestimating their ability to organize themselves. I’ll have to keep an eye out for Meatloaf (the actor, not the meal) hanging around the school.

Steve's Tips for Better Living #1

The first in a series of tips I'd like to share with the world to make it a better place for us all.

Shared armrests are invisible walls that go from the floor to the ceiling. This holds true in theatres, on airplanes, at sporting events, or just about any other place with built in seating. Broaching that wall with you elbows, your enormous gut, or you ridiculously sized newspaper is bad form. Respect the armrest!