Avis - We Should Try a Little Harder

Gas is expensive, I get it. What I don't understand is what that has to do with a rental car company. In theory, they only pay for one tank of gas in the life of each car (the first one). After that, each renter has to either fill it up themselves or pay some crazy amount per gallon to the rental company. So, imagine my surprise when I noticed that Avis added an "automatic" $13.99 fuel surcharge for renters who drive "less than 75 miles". Wait, what? Now, to be fair, they did remove the fee after some bitter complaining on my part (and waving of my gas receipt at the guy) but still, if the tank comes back full, that seems a little like stealing to me (or at least double-dipping). There was some argument that it would have been cheaper for me to have taken their deal and not filled the tank. I had to bust out the advanced math skills and explain that $13.99 was in fact greater than $8.99. That ended the discussion.  Are they just hoping that people are in too big of a hurry to notice the fee?

United Fails at being an Airline

Dear United Airlines,

I understand that times are tough and fuel is expensive and scheduling is, like, really, really complicated and stuff. I know you just got rid of most of the employees that are actually responsible for flying the planes. I feel bad that you've got weather and equipment and people and tickets and the TSA and the FAA and any number of other real downers to deal with on a daily basis. I just want to offer up one suggestion: look at your flight schedule and calculate how many hours that schedule will require the crew to work. If it's more hours than they can work, you might want to, oh, I don't know, hire more crew (or schedule fewer flights)! It's not hard, you can probably figure it out with some scratch paper and a calculator. You can even get a solar powered one that won't use any electricity or anything.  Maybe I'm underestimating the complexity. Maybe it takes tons of computers, spreadsheets, whiteboards, and/or slide-rules to figure out. If so, let me know and I can hook you up with any of those (well, except the slide rule). In any case, if you can't manage to somehow handle the advanced mathematical concepts of addition and subtraction required, please stop blaming your problems on those totally stingy dudes at the FAA and their stupid laws. "Pilots need 8 hours of rest between shifts? That sucks!" We know it's really your fault but we understand, because running an airline is really hard. Maybe someday you'll manage to get it right.

Deepest Sympathy,

Steve

Mexico

Quick, name the first two thing that come into your mind when I say "Mexico". If you said Tequila and tacos then your obviously not seven. If you were, the correct answer would of course be sombreros and Chihuahuas. Mexico turned out to be the most anticipated destination on our Caribbean cruise for those two reasons (sombreros and Chihuahuas not Tequila and tacos). If luck was really with us, we might have even witnessed a Chihuahua wearing a sombrero. Much to Emma's disappointment, we did not enter a mythical land teeming with small, quivering, neurotic dogs. In fact, not a single Chihuahua was spotted. Lizards, dolphins and tropical fish were all in attendance. Alas, no Chihuahuas. On the upside, sombreros we readily available (along with Tequila and tacos for the parents). Perhaps it's just that the small dogs don't frequent Cozumel. Maybe we'll have better luck in Cancun. There's always next year. By then it'll be time for a new sombrero, they don't last forever. Until then, if you see a child wandering your neighborhood wearing a pink sombrero and petting small dogs, know that's she's dreaming of Mexico, land of the Chihuahua.

It All Started with the Khakis

It happens so slowly you almost don't realize it. You start out in jeans and a T-shirt and then one day you look down and your wearing dress pants, a button down shirt, and slip on dress shoes. Slip-on dress shoes!  Oh sure, the they make it easier to get through airport security. I mean, who wants to unlace and re-lace their Doc Marten's while hordes of impatient briefcase toting automatons get all huffy behind you. Looking back, it all started with those damn khakis. I should have torn those things to shred the first time I laid eyes on them. The perfect compromise between slacks and casual pants is what the marketing would have you believe. I'll tell you what they really are: a gateway pant! It'll start with khakis but that just leads to fancier and fancier pants as you struggle to get your fix. Soon the image you had of yourself as an adult (remember that one from college?) has been replaced by a khaki wearing business person! That cool, hip adult you'd always assumed you would turn into? Gone. "But honey, those pants look really nice on you." It's a trick, don't fall for it. Your spouse is part of the conspiracy. I'm going back to jeans. Time to stick it to the man. Oh, and don't even get me started on the scourge that is the polo shirt.